March 19th

Was in bed watching some video and almost went to sleep. I was like groaning because the video was relaxing. I’m alone in my room and the lights are off and I’m in my bed and then I hear a woman’s voice say “you’re acting” There is no one else in the room. I am unaware of any one watching me. It upset me and I started crying because that hurt my feelings because I don’t have to try to be authentic or honest I already am. Especially when I’m silently alone watching a video. I raised my voice and got out of bed and said multiple times can you please let me know your opinions tomorrow? Why from when I wake up to when I go to sleep it’s nonstop chatter? I don’t deserve this even if people hypothesize that I do. Why can’t you respect business hours? 9-5 okay? Complained loudly about bullying earlier today too. Felt bullied again so I said something mean too. I said that I might call the cops because they follow American laws and the BU? PI’s could be in a totally different country with shit laws. The comment itself was not hurtful but the context was very insulting since I was in a vulnerable sleepy state focused and getting into the video. Maybe my expression looked weird. The comment made me feel very weird and uncomfortable. Like the comment made me feel not only watched without my awareness or consent but also told an opinion that made me self conscious about being weird.
Idk why they’re still hacking the wifi and shit with this illegal tech I’m not even in school I was ranting about how I don’t have any occupation and my activities are so restricted every day and one of the only things that is appropriate to do before bed is watch youtube videos.
I’m sure the people are fine people but they’re way too loud and judgmental considering I’m unaware they’re watching me. This isn’t a show. Maybe sometimes I get frustrated and speak outwardly about something that upsets me because I have no idea who else to direct my complaints to, but I don’t expect anyone to listen because it’s been a year of this already.
I was upset because it’s hard for me to go to sleep and the videos make me relax in a platonic average method. The videos are soothing and it’s frustrating to me that someone who isn’t in the room can treat my ears like a trash can and say whatever their random opinion is without any context. I don’t click anything or open any messages and bam there’s the audio. My anxiety is bad enough and what was most frustrating is the conception that the voices are helping me, that I need help at all, or that I’m aware of some reason for their deranged bizarre comments. That is so completely wrong. I’m trying to have some solitude and silence.

If they were in the room then I would calmly explain what I was watching and maybe wouldn’t be making any expressions. I felt embarrassed because it was a woman’s voice too like she was watching me or listening to me. That’s almost humiliating since I’ve never met her. I hope it was a neighbor reacting to the tv or something but idk it’s pretty quiet here (which is why I’m living here).

I feel bad for raising my voice and getting loud because there are people sleeping next door. The residents are only trying to sleep.

I want to apologize to the PI for saying fuck you and you’re mean you’re a bully but I don’t have to because I have no ability to because they’re not here. That’s a flaw in this bullshit. There’s never mutual understanding or apologizes exchanged with these comments that I get offended by.

I also want to apologize to the concierge for the disturbance tonight.

Maybe they were talking about the person on the youtube video? Idk. But I get self conscious and was embarrassed and emphasized that all types of people watch youtube videos. Now I feel bad about being loud and kinda letting my frustration vocally out at the end of the day. I don’t think I was behaving aggressively at all since there’s no one else in the room and I only raised my voice. Today I was very unbothered so no issues until bed.

I’m a social person but this is so different from socializing.

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Eliah told me to “straighten myself out” and take responsibility for my own life. Earlier in the car ride he said “Take care of your own life” by SFO.

I clearly asked him what’s that multiple times referring to the extra space storage units on the drive back to McAllister. That must have upset him.