March 20th

Woke up at 4:54am this morning to a deep voice speaking loudly in my ear. Couldn’t go back to sleep because I was sad and angry. Kept saying why did you wake me up?

Heard my own father’s voice angrily saying “for so many months” and “for looking?”

I have no idea what that means because I can’t confirm it.

This has been the worst night of sleep in a long time.

God

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12:04

I don’t want any attention. I want to be left alone. I have been wanting to be left alone from extraneous attention since my childhood with my parents. They fixate on me and follow me everywhere and obsess over each personal or public component of my life. It’s getting to be too much. My parents need to be stopped.

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Trying to go back to sleep because I only slept like 4-5 hours and was going to go hiking today. I was thinking about something in bed deep in thought with my eyes closed. Then, a unrelated totally random thought comes into my brain that is a picture of SFO. I wasn’t picturing anything before then and all of a sudden a clear like thought of SFO.
This is exhausting. I was not thinking of SFO or anything like that and focused on something unrelated. I do not want to go to the airport or travel at all.

It is so strange whenever this method of artificial projected pictures happens. It will be some suggestion or some detail that I am left wondering what could any of it mean. Like a couple nights ago it was a office supply store. After that voices talked to me saying mhm yeah uhhuh and asking me questions like where and how. I have no idea what to say or if I should react at all when this stuff happens because it’s so random. I’m completely sober and don’t get it. Am I going crazy? Like my parents are telling me?

Throughout the day I’ll consistently hear “I hate her” “I hate him” and very upsetting thoughts that I don’t usually have. These intercom voices started maybe a month ago. I cope by speaking out loud sometimes to take back control over my thoughts. Also I’ll repeat thoughts like “I love him” “I love her” instead right after they say that disturbing shit to me. What is happening right now 2023, March 20th? I won’t even be thinking about any individual in particular and the female and male voices are always there.

I’m entirely comfortable on my own alone by my self.

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12:57pm

This inn is 80% full and no one wants to hear me up in the night. I am so exhausted with this intercom shit. What I mean by intercom is like theres a loudspeaker in my room somewhere when I’m alone playing sound bites quietly and having people speak over my thoughts like cohabitating in my brain. That started like a month ago and has been much more extreme recently. Like almost absurdly strange random thoughts. Oh, and it’s each place I go. It doesn’t matter if there’s wifi or not. It makes me uncomfortable and socially anxious around people and effects my thoughts tremendously. It’s like my brain is trying to get rid of a computer virus.

Before that it was Pasta loudness.

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