April 23rd 1:12pm

Took a shower this morning and private investigator 1 wouldn’t stop talking. After asking the voice to be quiet 4 times I took my phone in the shower and read an earlier note about another incident. The voice continued to comment and say “Right” “Why.” repeating themselves over and over again, not quieting down. Saying “good.” and feeling satisfied with my reaction to their comments while I was in the shower.
Then, i got out of the shower and started to yell loudly and clearly “the private investigator makes me want to jump out of the window” and “you push me, private investigator”. Then i made fun of the voice by saying “did you get this job because you’re real good at hacking computers and looking at the pussies” in a high pitched mocking tone.
I regret this comment. Only because it was very mean. I am making note of this in case the comment is sampled and used against me. I was referring directly to a body less, race less, gender less, personality less voice that I have never met. The private investigator’s identity is a mystery to me but I can infer that they are unlike anyone I’ve ever met because they do not stop commenting inappropriately after being asked to stop. They’re speaking confidently as I type this, ignoring and disregarding my pleas for mere silence in my brain as I shower.
The audible comments are what are abusive and harmful. If they were silently spectating, my experience would be innocent and unbothered. The comments push me.

I am not threatening suicide. This is a private note. I am seeking attention. I want no attention. That is the issue.
While what i said is true, i do not feel at risk of hurting myself or others.

Now the voice comments “right”

It’s like I want to kill the part of me that says those comments in my brain. I don’t want to murder myself for feeling guilty. I do not feel entirely guilty of something i am not in control of. My feelings of desperation and self violence are consistently related to the audible comments. My thoughts and attempts of mere superficial self harm are only to quiet the audible comments in my brain and soothe my feeling of loosing control over my thoughts.

I just said directly to the private investigator “I’m going to shower again and you’re going to shut the fuck up. Deal or no deal, private investigator?”
They responded “what happened”
As i typed this they said “oh ok”

I’m going to repeat myself and try to shower again because their comments made me feel worse than before I got in the shower.
“I’m going to shower again and you’re going to be quiet. Deal or no deal private investigator?”quiet.

The voices kept speaking while I was in the shower so I punched the nearest wall until my hand bled. I said “you, private investigator, are the reason I say No.”

The disembodied voice narrating my life and asking the same questions and making the same comments over and over again. “What happened?” “How?” Giving me eating disorder and unmanageable anxiety. The relentless tinnitus ringing makes me want to stab my ear.

I wish my friends were here to protect me. Like real brothers. My friends Edward and will don’t care who these private investigators are. If they were here they’d beat the body less voice up. But they’re not here because they would never hurt anyone. They would sooner hurt themselves. They would be like so cringed out that someone that didn’t even go to their high school won’t back off. The female voice probably has a compulsive speaking disorder. Nothing happened to the private investigators. I’ve never met then in my life. They’re actors.

Why.

The voices make me feel ugly, inside and out. My dignity is eroded with every spoken word. These voices do not belong to people I have ever known. I want them to find new jobs. Plainly put.